


I Never Thought That It Would Go This Far

by canijustreadfanficpls



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Arguing, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, It gets better I promise, M/M, Multi, Panic Attacks, Polyamory, Suicidal Thoughts, my poor children
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-04 16:36:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10994763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/canijustreadfanficpls/pseuds/canijustreadfanficpls
Summary: Maybe if he wasn't there, everything would work out. Maybe if Evan wasn't so goddamn needy, Jared and Connor would have the relationship they deserved. But alas, Evan is reminded through the yells of anger, that that was just a dream.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fanfic on here! it prob sucks, but i had a blast writing it. please enjoy!

Evan didn't know how it started. It just happened all of a sudden. It was probably his fault somehow.

 

Jared and Connor were fighting. Again. Everyday was like this. The three of them met at one of their houses (most likely Evan's), they all sat down, and hang out like they always did. Things would start out fine, until Jared or Connor said something that pissed the other off. Whether it was a joke that went too far, or an unintentional insult, it didn't matter. The two ended up in a shitstorm.

 

And Evan was always the one who just sat and watched. What could he do? If he tried to stop it, he would just make them more upset. He would just make them more stressed out. Like he probably always did. They were already stressed enough. He would much rather just sit, and hope that it would die down soon. That everything would be normal again. Like the beginning.

 

It was so perfect then. When the three of them realized who they really were. Jared stopped pretending, Connor stopped pushing away, and Evan got more than he could ever ask for.

 

Jared was so reluctant to "reveal" who he was. Everyone in the entire world knew he was gay, but he was so horrified of what people would say. Funny. The most outgoing person in the school was afraid of what everyone thinks. Once Evan and Connor showed up, he broke. He couldn't resist it anymore. And everyone learned to love the insanely cool (and gay) Jared Kleinman.

 

Connor Murphy. The "school shooter" who could scare a sumo wrestler away with just one glare. He had already accepted he would be suicidal and alone for the rest of his life, until he met Evan and Jared. To everyone else, he was still a freak, but he was a freak with two rays of sunshine in his dark life.

 

They were, and still are everything to Evan. He loves them more than they could ever possibly know. And they love him back. Everyday, surprise tickle attacks from Jared, calming and reassuring embraces from Connor, and never ending sayings like "You're everything." and "You're beautiful."

 

Evan knew he didn't deserve them. But that didn't stop them from giving him never ending praise.

 

He hadn't been alone during a panic attack for a very long time. They were always there to help him through it. They were always there, wasting precious time they could never get back. His head always ended up in Connor's lap, while Jared rubbed his soft hands over Evan's coarse and disgusting ones lovingly. The two of them should receive so much more than him.

 

Evan's anxiety was there to stay, but he couldn't help but believe Jared and Connor made it disappear.

 

Then it all, "changed." It wasn't noticeable at first. Just minor bickering between Jared and Connor. Usually over deciding where they should eat for dinner or what their plans were for that day. But overtime, the bickering turned into arguments. They argued every month, to every week, to every day. It became long periods of relentless lashing towards each other until they noticed Evan was uncomfortable.

 

At first, Evan was confused. Everything was going great! Why were they suddenly so hurtful towards each other?

 

But Evan realized, Jared and Connor never spent time with each other. They were always with Evan. Either both of them, or one or the other. It was always Evan. Evan Evan Evan. He was hogging them. He was ruining their happiness. It was his fault Jared and Connor fought all the time.

 

Oh, how he wished that with a snap of his fingers, everything would be even. That the two of them would give each other as much attention as they do to him.

 

Maybe if he wasn't there, everything would work out. Maybe if Evan wasn't so goddamn needy, Jared and Connor would have the relationship they deserved. But alas, Evan is reminded through the yells of anger, that that was just a dream.

 

"For fucks sake Jared, you are such an ignorant ass!"

 

"Well I'm sorry my simple sarcasm is too much for you!"

 

Each insult was spoken with such curt precision. Their voices rose after every one.

 

"For fucks sake, can you not blame your idiotic antics on sarcasm!?"

 

"Can you not let your anger issues fuck up this relationship!?"

 

There was barely any time between them. The two of them retorted right after the other.

 

"Oh, so I'm the one fucking up the relationship!"

 

"Yeah! I genuinely think it is!"

 

Evan was sat motionless on the couch, his gaze following the one who spoke. His eyes darted back and forth, back and forth.

 

"I am the only one here who actually cares about what happens between us!"

 

"Hah! That's a fucking lie and you know it."

 

Evan's heartbeat quickened and his hands began to shake. No no no no not now...

 

"Can you try to have an optimistic outlook for once!?"

 

"Can you buck up just enough to see the world falling apart!?"

 

Jared and Connor's faces began to shift in front of Evan's eyes.

 

"I'm trying to do what's best for this family!"

 

Jared and Connor weren't Jared and Connor anymore.

 

"I'm trying to do what's best for our son!"

 

Heidi and him...

 

"STOP!!!"

 

Silence overtook the room as Jared and Connor finally stopped their pitiful arguing at the sound of the quiet boy's desperate scream. They looked over at him, looks of shock and regret written on both of their faces.

 

Evan's eyes were screwed shut, refusing to let any tears fall. His hands were gripping his blue polo for dear life, and ragged breaths were being puffed out at an alarming rate. His face was as red as a tomato, and sweat was cumulating all over his forehead.

 

Before Jared and Connor could say a word, Evan bolted off of the couch he was confined on, and he was out of the room in seconds.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe if he wasn't there, everything would work out. Maybe if Evan wasn't so goddamn needy, Jared and Connor would have the relationship they deserved. But alas, Evan is reminded through the yells of anger, that that was just a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAH! where to start!? i am so happy so many of you enjoyed the last chapter! the day after i posted it, i felt like utter crap. but when i read so many of your nice comments, i couldn't stop smiling! okok i'll continue rambling at the end. please enjoy!

"Evan? Evan!" Connor shouted as he ran after the ladder. His voice cracked mid-yell, and his brow was ceased in blinding concern. Jared was close behind, his features tied up in a concentrated and straining knot. Both of them were chasing after their boyfriend who was in the middle of a panic attack. Not a word was exchanged. The only thing in common between the two was get Evan get Evan get Evan.

 

That really was the only thing in common between the two boys. Jared was overly sarcastic, Connor was stubborn. Jared took in the world like it was a huge game, Connor... didn't. The two teens had absolutely nothing to do with each other at the beginning of the year. Maybe teasing that hit a little too hard, but that was it. It was a shock to everyone that they were even part of a relationship together. But when they found out Evan was involved, they all understood.

 

Evan really was the glue to their bond. Anytime Jared or Connor thought that it was useless to be there, they just look over at Evan, sweet, awkward, and caring Evan, and forget why they even thought that in the first place. They thought that Evan was all they needed. So they devoted everything they could into him. Whenever they saw that twitchy smile, those fidgety fingers playing with the hem of his shirt, the whole world seemed to tune out. All they wanted was to spend every second they could with him. All they wanted was for Evan to be happy. Turns out, that wasn't what Evan wanted at all.

 

They followed the scared teen as fast as they could, and caught glance of him as he dashed out the front door. His quickened breathing could be heard slowly fading away, as he sprinted as far from his house as possible. The house was filled with echoing sounds of panicked footsteps and yelling as all the teens rushed out, but it all died down as quickly as it started. It was almost eerie, how swiftly it all happened. One moment, two kids were fighting over something pathetic. And the next, they were chasing after a kid who had lost control. The house was devoid of all sound, and looked to be completely abandoned.

 

The tiny house seemed to turn back time, to when a nine year Evan was left alone in front of a broken TV, with a drunk babysitter sitting on the front porch. Evan was very occupied with his shirt, his fingers rubbing the soft fabric between them. It's funny how much thread needs to be used for just one article of clothing. Heidi was at work. Again. He didn't blame her. He never does. She didn't have time to find a babysitter that was right for him. But he didn't mind. After all, he had his shirt that was full of that mysterious string.

 

And that day, Evan learned something very important. He didn't matter. Not in a depressing way, but in an informative one. There are so many people that deserve so much more than him. Heidi, the drunk babysitter, and even his father. He was the only one who actually realized that life would be so much better without Evan. He left so that his life would get better, and it most likely did. So why couldn't Jared and Connor realize the same thing.

 

"Fuck fuck fuck shit fuck..." Jared murmured after each long stride. He and Connor were racing down the sidewalk, not slowing down for any squirrel or child in their way. Their anxious boyfriend was way ahead, but his bright blue polo was still visible from far away. Connor took one moment to look away from that polo to glance over at Jared, with obvious annoyance painted on his face.

 

"Would you... shut the hell up? You're gonna make yourself... more tired if you... keep talking." Connor puffed out between short breaths. Jared glanced back with his eyes squinted.

 

"Well... what are you... doing now... you asshat?" Jared retorted, taking the same amount of breath between his words. Connor scoffed at the comment and turned his head to look back at Evan, but he collided right into a tree branch that was a few inches too low. His head snapped backwards, along with the rest of body. He helplessly fell onto Jared, who was directly behind him. The boys screeched as they fell onto the unforgiving ground. They ended up in a sad pile on the sidewalk.

 

Jared grunted as he struggled to shove Connor off of him. "Ugh! Get off me!" He growled as he frantically tried to get up, but to no avail. Connor reached back and used his hands to push himself up off of Jared's stomach, hard. The wind was knocked out of the teen, and he shrieked in pain and annoyance. "F-fuck you!" He eventually got out as he was clutching his stomach.

 

Connor moved to get up, frantically trying to relocate Evan, when a whimper froze him in place. He looked over at Jared, who was curling in on himself, his fists trembling and head shaking.

 

"Fuck... shit... Evan..." He squeaked out, as if it was almost impossible for him to speak at all. His face was hidden behind his hair, and his stomach was rising and falling in a rapid pace. He wasn't used to this. Something was wrong. Only Evan should have these. He has an excuse. Not Jared. Jared was supposed to be the funny one. The one who turned any situation into a joke. This wasn't funny. Why was this happening?

 

Connor glanced back and forth between Jared and where Evan ran. His mind was racing with voices screaming at him, "Go! Go! Go!" and "Get up! Get up!" He gave one more look at Jared, and his face shifted into a blank one. He had seen this sight so many times before. The stance of a helpless person who can't even catch their own breath. Except, this time, it was Jared. This was new. But at the same time, it wasn't. Connor already ruined Evan. Maybe he could finally do something right. He shook his head, finally making the decision.

 

He put a hand on Jared's shoulder, and whispered, "Hey, Jared? Breathe with me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> seriously guys, thank you so much. i've never done this kind of thing before, and im so happy i did now! i have no idea how long this fic will be, but i know im loving the shit out of it. i do not have a schedule, but i will try my best to get chapters out! THANK YOU AGAIN!!! <3 <3 <3


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe if he wasn't there, everything would work out. Maybe if Evan wasn't so goddamn needy, Jared and Connor would have the relationship they deserved. But alas, Evan is reminded through the yells of anger, that that was just a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy belated Memorial Day! sorry for my absence. i kinda had no plan for this, and no idea where this was heading. it just became more of an angsty mess. hope you like it! (thank you all so much for commenting!)

Funny. This was so funny. Two full grown teenagers sitting crisscross applesauce on the sidewalk. Hahaha. Jared could crack a joke, and everyone would laugh. "Get this. The most funniest kid in school, the one who's known for goofing off, the one who everyone just smiles at and continues on with their life like nothing even happened, the one no one bothers to ask how they are doing, breaking down on a sidewalk." Cue laughter. Hahaha. Two full grown teenagers, one hyperventilating while the other puts his hands on his shoulders. This was so funny. Funny.

 

Jared's breaths were short and loud. But a bystander wouldn't describe them as breaths. He was wheezing, desperately trying to get his body to calm down. He didn't even realize Connor was sitting right in front of him. His throat felt like it was closing up, and the air wasn't getting to his lungs. He needed air, air, more air. But it wasn't working. Why wasn't it working!? Is this what Evan goes through? Every time he forgot what he was going to order at a restaurant, every time he made a stranger mildly annoyed by him, every time Jared and Connor made him believe that he was the reason their relationship was such a mess... oh, Evan.

 

Evan, Evan, god dammit. You should be finding him right now. But no. You panic instead. You aren't supposed to be doing this. Fucking hell, you ruin everything. It's a shock Evan hasn't kicked you out yet. You're always blaming someone else for what you've done. You're only there for the car insurance. Selfish, selfish. You're selfish.

 

"God dammit Jared I can't help you if you don't look at me!" Connor whisper yelled frustratedly as he shifted anxiously. The quiet but still stern remark caught Jared's attention, and he was now staring at Connor wide eyed, motionless. The taller teen scooted closer to Jared and grabbed his arm roughly, placing it on his chest. Jared could feel Connor's heartbeat through his thick, black sweatshirt. It seemed to be the only clothing item he owned.

 

"Breathe with me god dammit." Connor muttered under his breath. Jared continued to stare at Connor like he was some extraterrestrial being. But he followed Connor's orders, not sure if he could do anything else. Connor's heartbeat was steady, but oh so strong. Weird how such a tiny organ is constantly pumping at the same speed without stopping. The steady, mysterious rhythm eventually blocked out the million other things in his head, and now he couldn't stop staring at Connor's chest.

 

Jared's breathing slowed drastically, but the occasional hiccup poked it's way through. He felt Connor gently let go of his arm, as if he was afraid it would shatter into a thousand pieces. He scooted away, wanting to give Jared some space. The two sat in silence for a while. It was... nice. It was a pleasant silence. It was like Connor knew exactly what Jared was thinking, and it would be worthless to try and talk about it. Come to think of it, this was the first time Jared and Connor had been quiet around one another. One of them is always talking, and not paying attention to the other at all. Is this really what they've been missing out on? Just, peaceful silence with no bickering or cussing? Huh. Funny.

 

It was a long while before one of them made a sound, the two just staring at anything but the other's eyes. One would catch the other staring them down, and they would look away nervously. They were technically "boyfriends," and they couldn't even look at each other. Jared finally broke the silence with a rough exhale. Connor glanced over at him, the sound startling him. Jared was laughing, with more of a grimace on his face than a smile. His eyes were bloodshot, and tears started to flow out of them, pouring down his face and dripping onto his sweater. Connor looked at him with a confused, shocked look on his face. This was the first time he had seen Jared cry. Like, at all. Well, he had also seen Jared's first panic attack today. Today was just a day full of firsts. Jared huffed once more, and returned a look to Connor.

 

"What have we come to Connor?" He questioned, staring at Connor with the same look his mother gave him when she caught him smoking pot. Heartbreak. Connor shifted uncomfortably once more as he tried to get his family life out of his head. He thought hard for an answer, but he was coming up with blanks. He had none. There was no answer to that. There was nothing Connor could do.

 

"I... I don't know, Jared." He whispered, heartbreak also evident in his tone. Jared's smile (grimace) grew wider, and a sob escaped his mouth. And he broke. Tears were streaming down his face. He couldn't stop himself. He wanted to launch himself towards Connor. He wanted to latch onto him and never let go. He wanted to apologize, over and over and over again. But Jared knew he couldn't. He wasn't like that. That wouldn't even happen in an alternate reality. He'd just break this more. That's what they were. Broken, broken, broken.

 

Connor watched in horror, as Jared, his... boyfriend, weeped in front of him. He yearned to weep with him. They had nothing in common, but maybe, they could share this one thing with each other. Just maybe.

 

But Connor had numbed himself a long time ago. Tears hadn't escaped his eyes in years. He had already learned that crying was useless. If anything, it just gave you a pounding headache. It just made everything worse. When you're crying in your room, wanting anything out there to come find you, nothing ever comes. At least, that's what Connor had learned. He'd lost count how many times he turned to the scissors or the joint when he couldn't control himself. He knew how sad it was. How pitiful it was. But it worked. It shuts all the voices up.

 

At least Jared didn't have to worry about that.

 

God, they REALLY had nothing in common.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at first i planned for this chapter to end happy but... obviously that didn't happen


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe if he wasn't there, everything would work out. Maybe if Evan wasn't so goddamn needy, Jared and Connor would have the relationship they deserved. But alas, Evan is reminded through the yells of anger, that that was just a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ITS SUMMER!!! for me it is at least. so there is no excuse for me to be a lazy bum anymore! WOOO!!! thank you all again for being so sweet. i hope you enjoy this chapter! (ALSO DEAR EVAN HANSEN WON BEST MUSICAL AND A MILLION OTHER STUFF AHHH!!! IM SO PROUD OF THEM ;-;)
> 
> homophobic language warning!

A boy is crying in front of you. Do you go over and comfort him? Or sit awkwardly whilst contemplating your life decisions? A normal person would say they would comfort the kid, saying that they would do so no matter the circumstances. And although that is the right thing to do, why is it so hard to do so? We always say that we would do this or that in a certain situation. But when you are actually put into the situation, it's just human nature to freeze up or do irrational things.

 

Was that really the reasoning behind Connor's doing? Human nature? Pathetic. That couldn't be it. He could easily just scoot on over to Jared and wipe his tears, apologize and pretend nothing even happened. They could just believe, because if they just believed, they didn't have to see what was really there. But they knew better. They could not, no matter how much they wished they could. For all their lives, there has been a thick wall, separating the two boys. It was for the better. It made things calm, orderly, normal. But they tore right through it once their relationship began. They did not prepare, or think about consequences. They just dove right in, ecstatic for the prize they've wanted all their lives. Love.

 

And did they get it? Yes. But it wasn't right. It was dangerous. Evan was all they were getting. And that was all they wanted. But it was horribly unbalanced. Chaos ensued. They wanted it so badly, they didn't stop to look over what they would receive along with it. And now, they were there. On the concrete, one sobbing, and one loosing hope.

 

It was quite sad really. How simple it was for Connor to just go over and start glueing the pieces back together. But he just couldn't move. His frail, useless body, was just lying there with the helpless boy's. With confused neighbors watching from windows, and passing cars slowing down to witness the pitiful scene. No one could save the pitiful children.

 

So what happened? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. A good ten minutes passed, with nothing but soft crying in the air. It was getting unbearable. Hell, it was unbearable to begin with. Until an angry voice broke the depressing moment.

 

"Are you shrimps gonna move or not?"

 

A man, in his late twenties towered over the two teenagers on a rickety old bike, tapping his foot incessantly on the cement. His figure just screamed asshole, the anti gay marriage shirt pulling off the look. The man's eyes were squinted, and his bushy, unkept eyebrows were ceased in anger. Connor squinted back, ready to go with his riposte. He had lots of practice back at home.

 

"Y'know, there is such a thing as going around us." He retorted as he motioned to the grass that had plenty of room for the man to cross. The man gripped onto his handlebars like they were about to snap, and leaned his greasy face into Connor's.

 

"I didn't ask for your opinion, kid." The man spat. He actually spat into Connor's face as he spoke, causing the peeved teen to jerk back in disgust, wiping the horrid liquid off his face. He was just about to respond when another voice piped in.

 

"Just lay off him man."

 

The two glanced over at Jared, who still had tears streaming down his face, but was angrily staring at the man. His body was slightly twitching from his crying a few minutes prior, and his face was strained beyond belief. He was trying his hardest to look as intimidating as possible. He couldn't tell if it was working or not. A fight wasn't what he wanted. He just wanted to be left alone. But that wasn't what he was getting as the man threw his bike to the ground and staggered over to him.

 

"What did you say to me faggot?"

 

Jared shifted to cross his legs, as if to mock the man. He smirked as he looked up at him, and Connor knew something witty was coming up. He knew it wasn't the right thing to do in this situation, but there was no stopping Jared.

 

"Congratulations. You just called me a bundle of sticks."

 

Connor snorted as the man's face quickly morphed into one of shock. If you squinted, you could've spotted an embarrassed blush. But just as quickly, it changed into rage, and his fists clenched tightly, his demeanor showing he was going to snap.

 

"Don't patronize me!" The man screamed, and he went to grab Jared's shirt collar. Connor shoved his arm before he did, and grabbed Jared before running in the opposite direction. The two boys heard the man shriek, and they fought back grins on their faces.

 

Once they felt like they were a good distance away, they slowed to a stop, evaluating what just happened. They looked back, to see no one following them. Both boys were panting from the sprint, and were taking a minute to catch their breath. Connor registered he was still gripping Jared's hand like a boa constrictor, pink rising to his cheeks. After a good few seconds of silence, Jared was the first to speak.

 

"At least we moved for him."

 

And just like that, howls of laughter erupted from the teens. It wasn't even that funny, but they were laughing like it was the funniest thing they've ever experienced. Their stomachs burned from the ruthless torture as they were hunched over from their cackling. The laugh fest went on longer than it should've, but they didn't care. They weren't even laughing at the man anymore. Connor wiped tears from his once clenched eyes and Jared sighed in completion. They spoke a thousand words to each other just then.

 

It was hilarious. How blind they were this whole time. They WERE the same. They just refused to realize the truth. They rejected the thought that they needed to give each other attention. Their relationship was bound to fail if uneven love was given. No matter how much they denied it, they needed each other. Evan was everything to them. It was time to make that true for each other. Or else, Evan would never be their's. Connor looked up at Jared.

 

"I'm assuming you just made the same realization as me."

 

Jared smiled and nodded, knowing what needed to be done. They would apologize, but not yet. They were missing something. Jared straightened his back and squeezed Connor's hand.

 

"Now. Let's go get our boyfriend back."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> way to have an unrealistic asshole push the story along :D

**Author's Note:**

> jared and connor dun fucked up


End file.
